You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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