She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
