im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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