JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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