i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
