and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
