My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
