It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
