Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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