The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
