Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
