Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize