i need an iv and a liver transplant
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
