So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
