I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
