We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Vodka?
Forever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize