Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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