If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
