i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
