thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize