My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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