Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
