I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
