life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
