Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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