i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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