um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
