I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize