This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
