i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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