So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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