Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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