even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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