sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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