i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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