Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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