I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
