WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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