i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize