We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
