If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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