he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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