i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
