So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
