There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
