WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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