saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize