pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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