I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
