toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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