im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
