Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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