I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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